So I have been in kind of a funk lately...not really sure why. I mean there are reasons for it but nothing that really sticks out in my mind. But then I was on facebook going through my pictures trying to find a new profile picture and I saw that there were still pictures of my ring and of me and the ex and I just got so upset. I went through and deleted them all and I just started crying. I don't know if I was crying about not being engaged or if I was crying cause I missed him. I mean I don't think I miss him I mean I am thankful that I am not with him anymore. He was certifiably crazy but it still hurts. I don't know whats wrong and people tell me I'm crazy for still hurting. I mean I can't help how my heart feels I mean when we started dating it was good. But at the end it was just so crazy so messed up. We were both so angry all the time and it was just miserable I think we broke up about 10 times in two weeks before we finally called it quits. But seeing his face just brought up memories that I don't know what to do with. And I wonder how I can give my heart fully to someone when I can't seem to let go of the past. I mean I wonder if thats part of the problem I have been having lately. I mean I have been struggling to let go. But at the same time I don't know how to change. I don't even know whats wrong with me most of the time. I mean I want to feel passionately and unabashedly in love but there is something in the way and I don't know what it is. I mean its not fair to the person I'm with but I don't want to lose them. They love me and have stood by my side through all of this. I mean they could have left so long ago but they have stayed and I wish I could love them the way I want to. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to live every day feeling like I need to apologize for the way I feel. I just wish that I could be like everyone else. Maybe I am just complaining about whatever I don't know. Maybe I wont ever be able to feel passion sometimes I think that my heart is just cold. I mean I love my parents but I really only love them certain times. I mean Its like some days I am a wonderfully passionate loving person and some days I just want to be alone. I want to not have friends or family. I remember when I was younger I would have friends and then I just didn't like them anymore. I wanted different friends. I mean thats why I cheated all the time. I would have a boyfriend and I would get tired of them and cheat and then I would love them again. Thankfully I haven't cheated on my boyfriend and I don't want to. But I feel like he deserves better than me. Better than not knowing if when I wake up I'm going to love him or not. I mean its not that I don't love him I don't know its so hard to explain.

So this afternoon while I was sleeping my phone started going off. It was the truck driver first he started off a little weird like he didn't know who I was then he thought I gave him my number in case he had an issue with the delivery or something. But then he nicely informed me that he was married. Fine whatever I took a chance thats fine with me. But then he started asking me all these questions like how old I was and such. I tried just blowing him off by giving the shortest possible answers but he kept at it. By the end of the conversation he had asked me to send him naked pictures and told me that when he comes my way again he will text me so maybe we can hook up. I was kind of annoyed because If you tell someone your married that is supposed to be the end of the conversation not the start. Plus he wasn't wearing a wedding ring which I always look for when I find someone attractive. And yes I have had affairs with married men before and they are very convenient. He goes home to his wife you go home to whomever you choose and everyone is happy. Well atleast you feel good and sexy and wanted at first. But then it starts eating away at you like a festering wound. You sit at home wondering why they never chose you. Why you weren't good enough for them to marry. Then daydreaming about what it would be like to be with that man forever. When everything is said and done the only person that isn't hurt is usually the person who started the affair. You are hurt because they wouldn't chose you. The spouse is hurt because they were betrayed but the third party well they got exactly what they wanted. It doesn't always end up that way but it usually does.

So have you ever been in a relationship like this? Or ever had an encounter with a guy like that?

Hi everyone! I'm just getting started on Datingish... Drop me a comment if you've got some ideas on what to do first - or just to say, "Hi!"